How Relationship Contracts Increase Trust, Romance and Passion

By guest blogger Paula Renaye

Tuesday night I was one of the expert guests on Dr. Veronica Anderson’s radio show,Wellness for the Real World. We talked about the whys and why-nots of prenuptial agreements, personal agreements and how money plays such a pivotal role in relationships. The show was actually inspired by the theme of my next book, Living and Loving on Purpose, which revolves around the “I Don’t” Relationship Model and couples using Conscious Contracts to define the major aspects of their relationship, especially the things no one ever wants to talk about and just pretend will magically turn out the way they want.

When we have stars in our eyes, it’s easy to ignore the warning signs that the person just isn’t a good match for us. Whether it’s the way our potential mate handles money, parents children, deals with exes, keeps house or flirts with the opposite sex, the truth is there if we are willing to see it. But, when we’re in that giddy place, we will either buy into the fantasy that it will all magically work out the way we want it to so we let it go, or we don’t say what we want to because we’re afraid if we do the relationship will fall apart.

Well, the hard-line truth is, if you think that by both of you being honest and authentic about your true selves and desires, your relationship won’t survive, well, you’re probably right. And if youaren’t being honest and authentic, what kind of a relationship do you really have anyway?

I realize that’s the last thing you want to hear. It certainly was for me when I was tying myself into knots, trying to make a relationship into something it could never be. My magical thinking kept me willfully ignorant of the truth. I kept silent because I knew if I voiced what I really wanted, the relationship would be over. So, I extended my delusions and my pain for years by trying to manipulate my partner and my mind to create an illusion of the relationship I really wanted–and that was impossible to have with him.

Think of it this way: You and I both need transportation so we decide to go in together and buy a car. We haven’t actually talked about the specifics of what we want, but why should we? Four wheels and tires and an engine, what’s to discuss? Giddy with glee and visions of vehicle bliss dancing in our heads, we each race to the car of our dreams. You fold yourself into a two-seater hybrid, reveling in the $10 fill-ups at the pump while I scurry up the ladder into a big red monster truck, already bouncing over hills and splashing through the mud in my mind. Pop, just like that, reality has burst the bubble of illusion. And now, the car salesman will have the thankless task of trying to convince us we’ll be equally miserable with a minivan.

If we had been courageous enough and emotionally mature enough, we would have discussed the details before we ever went to the car lot. We would have either found our own way to make a compromise that we could both feel good about or we would have maturely realized that buying a car together simply wasn’t going to fulfill either of our needs. One person wasn’t right and the other wrong, it simply wasn’t going to work.

The best way to have a peaceful and happy relationship is to get clear about what you want from it and from the structure of it–the nuts and bolts of emotional, physical, financial and spiritual togetherness–early on. Make sure you’re on the same page by talking about important, and seemingly unimportant, things openly and honestly from the very beginning. If you hit a wall there’s a reason–deal with it.

These things do not magically resolve themselves. You have to figure out the real reason beneath the conflict, which is a feeling, fear, desire, unmet need, unresolved past issue, etc., and find a way to resolve it or admit you can’t. The bottom line is, either you share the same vision of your life together or you don’t, and pretending things are okay when they aren’t, is only delaying the inevitable. The way I see it, you can either discuss it now over dinner or later over divorce papers.

And, contrary to what you might think, being honest and working out mutually satisfying agreements actually creates a more romantic, trust-filled and passionate relationship. You don’t have to angst over how to manipulate things to get what you want because you’ve each voiced your desires up front and agreed to help each other fulfill them.

Whatever it is you don’t want to say to your partner is the very thing you must.

Take the time now to talk about the tough stuff. Be honest and kind. It is the most loving thing you can for yourself and your partner.

Live your joy!

Former eggshell-walker, emotionally-bankrupt wreck and utter failure at keeping her world from falling apart, Paula Renaye uses her journey out of despair into joy as a breadcrumb trail for others. Paula is a certified professional coach, empowerment speaker and multi-award-winning author ofThe Hardline Self Help Handbook. Visit http://hardlineselfhelp.com

Get a FREE Download of Paula’s latest ebook: Tweet-able Tough Love Quotes from Smashwords here: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/94255. These quotes are all formatted to fit the 140-character space and you may use them freely (as long as you give me credit–or blame). The book also includes 3 articles and 5 Hardline how-to exercises. Get it for FREE now!