How Sexual Addiction Blinds You to Who You Are

By Christopher Franklin, M.S., MFTA

Sexual addiction is real and it is negatively affecting thousands of lives before our very eyes. In one sense, sexual addiction is like all other addictions: there is an addictive process under the surface, and the compulsive sexual behaviors are only symptoms of that addictive process. You can be addicted to almost anything, but the more chemical punch a substance or experience gives a person, the easier it is to get addicted to it. For example, drugs, alcohol, gambling, and sexual experiences are all things that can make us feel really good or numb, so they facilitate the addictive process well if someone is seeking to escape. If I tried to escape or numb out through eating ice cream, I could still do it, but it is not going to have nearly the same power to hide my pain as those other experiences.

Now, we need to understand that sex is not addicting, but that people can get addicted to sex. When someone gets truly addicted to something, it is because they already had addictive processes going on within them, and when they stumble upon something that feels good, they latch onto it. In other words, anything that numbs pain or provides a lot of pleasure is a risk factor to anyone that struggles with addictive thinking.

So what is this addictive process? It is emotional mismanagement, combined with toxic shame, and every time the process is repeated, it gets more powerful.

Emotional mismanagement is when an individual has not learned a healthy system for identifying, labeling, and feeling emotions. Every addict I work with has great difficulty identifying what they are feeling and they interpret any uncomfortable emotional experience as harmful or shameful.

Toxic shame is the belief that you are flawed and defective as a human being. Each addict has unique versions of toxic shame, but it all boils down to that belief. Who wants to admit they are a broken human being? As a result, people with addictions would rather hide from this belief through addictive behaviors.

Emotions are a part of who we are. They are not good or bad, they just are. It is how we choose to respond to them that can be good or bad. Since emotions are a part of who we are, toxic shame and emotions work together. If you believe there is something wrong with you, and emotions are part of you, then that leads you to feel that something is wrong with your emotions.

Thus, an addictive cycle is born:

A child learns his mistakes and weaknesses prove there is something wrong with him;

His emotions are shamed or ignored, sending the message that emotions are bad or unimportant;

The child inevitably feels emotion, and therefore concludes, that he is bad or weak for feeling them;

The child learns to find other ways to hide from his emotions and the shameful beliefs he has about himself;

This person grows and stumbles upon sex, drugs, or something else that feels good, and learns he can repeatedly use this experience to facilitate hiding from emotions and toxic shame;

Yet once he realizes this behavior is compulsive or that it has negative consequences, he feels even more shameful and strengthens his belief that he is defective and weak;

But the only way he knows how to deal with this increased discomfort and shame is to turn to the “reliable” addictive behavior;

The shame and pain get worse with each cycle, so the compulsion must become stronger to keep hiding the pain;

The person is terrified to get help, because if he did, he would run the risk of everyone finding out how weak and defective he is…thus it is easier to keep secrets. So denial is used to fool himself about the true nature of his addictive behaviors.

So, we see that sexual addiction can be traced back to the deep fear of being flawed and defective. The addict creates a false, outer self to portray to the world, because if the rest of the world believes he is a good person, then it helps him not face his own fears about his broken nature.

In essence, sexual addiction causes a person to become completely detached from their real and authentic self, and they gradually replace this with a false self. The only way to overcome addiction is to get REAL and just be who you are, strengths and weaknesses. You need to stop hiding and admit you need help.

Most importantly, you need to toss out the belief that you are flawed and defective and recognize that your worth as a human being is unconditional. Once you realize this, you can access the power to face your weaknesses with accountability and start overcoming them. Addiction is not an excuse for bad behavior, but you do need help from other people to overcome an addiction.

Christopher Franklin, M.S., MFTA

Christopher has a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy; He specializes in helping individuals overcome sexual addictions, as well as inspiring people to become their true, authentic selves. Visit his website at:

www.RenewmentCounseling.com

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