Is All Really Fair in Love and Divorce Court?

By guest blogger David T. Pisarra

In my years as a Family Court attorney there have been many lessons learned along the way that I try to impart to my clients. But none opens more eyes and is met with more agreement than, “The person you married is not the person you are divorcing.”

The divorce process is different for everyone. Some couples choose to approach the situation rationally and as a “team.” These are the couples who may have had the foresight to sign a Pre-Nuptial agreement or, if they have children, realize the importance each parent plays in successfully raising a child. Unfortunately, these couples are increasingly becoming the minority.

What happens more typically is that one or both parties are hurt, angry and looking for a way to lash out. And when a spouse falls under the spell of an aggressive lawyer or has friends encouraging them to get whatever they can, a “Win At All Costs” mentality takes hold. The result is typically vindictiveness, rage and revenge. And when children are involved, they are often the ones who pay that biggest price.

As is typically the case in most every contract disagreement, (and don’t forget that marriage IS a business contract at its core) strategy comes in to play in an attempt to win. And in the case of child custody cases that strategy can take many forms. One of the most powerful, and oftentimes most deceitful and harmful, is the issue of Parental Alienation.

There are generally considered to be three levels of Parental Alienation, the low level – rather typical bad mouthing of the other parent which usually lasts 6-9 months and then calms down. In middle level cases, the fighting is angrier and more sustained. This is where people spend a great deal of time and money proving the other parent is unsuitable but in reality they are working out their anger at their spouse.

And then there are the high level, severe cases. This is when there is a concerted effort to erase the other parent from the picture and totally alienate the child from the other parent. This is frequently where false allegations of child molesting occur, police reports of abuse and a long-term, concentrated effort by the alienating parent to spoil the relationship between their spouse and the child.

The reasons for this kind of alienation vary from the basics of more custodial time equals more money to the psychologically imbalanced individual who is living out their childhood issues.

Divorce Court can bring out the worst in people. It can also serve as a backdrop for already unstable personalities to be exasperated to the point where one spouse barely recognizes the other. Insults, threats and accusations are hurled whether they have any basis in reality or not. What I will usually do in this stage is to call in professionals to analyze and evaluate the emotional state of the participants. But it doesn’t stop there. I will also bring in the collateral players, Grandma and Grandpa, friends and other family members. The goal is to try and cut through the emotion to get to as much of a fact-based reality as possible. What usually happens when the dust clears is that the court can make a strong recommendation based on the evidence provided.

But what I’m seeing take place with more frequency is that the parent who is more actively trying to hurt the other will actually end up losing custody with the court finding that the “targeted parent” is the more suitable custodian.  This will strip all visitation rights from the accusing parent in an attempt to allow the targeted parent a chance to repair the relationship with the child which, no doubt, has been affected.

And affected it is. Quite often the child has been told, subtly or not, that the other parent is lazy, bad, no good or doesn’t really love them. They are indoctrinated to believe that only one parent can be trusted and truly cares for them. At the minimum distrust can be created but at its worst a true hatred can take hold. And no matter how much the targeted parent may love their child and want nothing more than to be a good parent, the deck is stacked against them. It is a vicious game that can ultimately lead to irreparable harm.

The bottom line as I see it is that some people shouldn’t marry and some people should not have children. But in lieu of the government legislating who can marry or raise children we need to better convey the message of what marriage and parenthood really is. The union of two people can be a wonderful thing and the joys of children contribute greatly to that union. But with that comes an enormous responsibility and one that too many individuals take lightly. They don’t see, or care, how their personal feelings about a spouse can translate to not just the immediate situation of their children but how it has the potential to scar them for life.

I urge my clients with children to take great care in how they approach child custody. I implore them to be as factual as possible, to mean what they say and, above all else, realize that part of being a good parent is to put the needs and well-being of their children above all else.

David T. Pisarra Esq. heads the Santa Monica, CA -based law office of Pisarra and Grist and is the founder of Men’s Family Law. He is the author of three “How-To” books for men to help guide them through the challenging process of divorce. For more information please visit www.mensfamilylaw.com