Sibling Bullying

By guest blogger Nancy B. Irwin

By now we have probably all seen, or heard about, the Texas judge who was videotaped by his daughter while he was viciously beating her with a strap.  The videotape on You Tube is about 7 minutes, while the actual beating went on for a full 24 minutes.

Inter-family physical abuse and bullying is all too common.  Many times siblings learn this abuse first-hand from parents, and in turn bully someone smaller/weaker/younger than them: a sibling.

The most salient factor in this is the lack of parental intervention.  Many parents simply  turn a blind eye to their children’s abuse of one another, excusing it with a “Boys will be boys” or “This is just the way teenagers are!” pat answer.  To address it and halt it would entail looking at their own issues of abuse and/or enabling.  When they neglect to hold the bully accountable, they are passively yet positively reinforcing that behavior as a permitted coping mechanism. This is typically what is behind bullying: a way of coping with their own low self-esteem, anger, hurt, disappointment, etc. They are trying to feel powerful over someone else because they feel their own power has been reduced somehow.

Parents who allow abuse of any kind in their home (verbal, physical, sexual, psychological) are potentially setting up the bullying child up for a lifetime of isolation, arrogance, narcissism, entitlement, and worse (parenting like the Texas judge, e.g.); as well, the victimized child learns that those closest to them are the most harmful.  They also learn that their parents, who naturally should protect them, do not. They begin to assume that they are worthless, or deserve abuse. Low self-esteem, anger “victim mentality,” depression, addictions, and more can result. Sometimes, these children grow up with lingering symptoms of PTSD.  They sabotage, they “settle,” they live in fear, chronically waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.

Physical abuse is the most common form of abuse in the United States.  Children who are victims of this can have all kinds of medical issues, as well as mental ones: eating disorders, addictions, depression, and more. Verbal bullying can certainly leave its marks on self-esteem, particularly if it is chronic, and can perpetuate a cycle of criticism of the self and others.

Certainly, some children are by nature more sensitive than others.  They may feel the effects of abuse more deeply.  Others seem to “shake it off.”  Yet we don’t know until it is too late; they grow up and cannot trust.  They assume boundaries will be crossed. Or they may rebel (in an effort to self-empower) by bullying others, crossing inappropriate boundaries themselves, or numbing out through substances.

As a therapist, I treat many adult victims of abuse. Bullies rarely seek treatment, and neither do their parents….until it is court-ordered, or someone ends up in the ER.  I would encourage all parents to adopt a ZERO TOLERANCE OF BULLYING house rule.  This entails:

No name-calling, belittling, sarcasm, or discounting…All members of this home are positive, supportive, loving to one another.

No yelling, unless the house is on fire.

No hitting, biting, slapping…..only appropriate, loving, affectionate touch is allowed in this house.

These rules apply to all animals living in the home, as well. When these rules are broken, privileges are withdrawn (TV, cell phones, cars, etc.).

Encourage the children to create a project that they can work on collaboratively (build a tree house, start a garage band, make care packages). This can be very healing for the warring parties when they have a goal beyond themselves.

Consider family therapy, spiritual counseling, or check your local hospital or community center for coping with this issue if you, or a family you know, is experiencing abuse of any kind in the home.  Life knocks us all down at some point and in varying degrees, yet no child need expect this at home.

Dr. Nancy Irwin is a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist/clinical hypnotist/speaker and author of YOU-TURN: CHANGING DIRECTION IN MIDLIFE (Amazon, 2008), who treats sex offenders as well as victims of sexual abuse. It is her belief that “The best way to help victims is the help the perpetrators.” She is also a frequent media expert, having recently appeared on Anderson, Fox, Bravo, CNBC, and more. www.drnancyirwin.com www.makeayou-turn.com.