The “I Don’t” Model for Relationship Bliss

By Paula Renaye

If you are considering a committed relationship where you live together and comingle assets—marriage or otherwise—the most important thing you can do is create what I call Conscious Contracts.

Granted, that doesn’t have the fairy tale romantic ring to it marriage typically invokes, but then the romantic notion of marriage doesn’t really have much to do with reality either, now does it?

So, as unromantic as it may sound, the best way to have a blissful relationship is for you and your partner to get clear about what you want from it and from the structure of it—the nuts and bolts of emotional, physical, financial and spiritual togetherness. Dealing with these things up front takes emotional maturity and courage, but the payoff is huge. Besides getting important details ironed out, the process also creates healthy communication skills, an essential component of happy relationships.

One way to start developing those communication skills is before you say “I do,” to draft out what happens when you “don’t” anymore. Pretending that going your separate ways isn’t a possibility only sets the stage to avoid talking about other important realities. So, push aside all the romantic illusions and define the terms of the end before you begin.

• Divorce Contract: Detail what each person currently has, including children, pets, cash, real estate, material goods, intellectual properties, insurance policies, whatever. Then play the what-if game for what might happen, such as having more children, buying houses and cars, taking on debt, etc. Detail who gets what, why and how. By doing this one exercise you will learn more about your partner—and yourself—than you can in a year (or maybe ten) of marriage. And, you will get a good idea where the issues are likely to come up in daily living so you can create mutually agreeable ways to deal with them.

• Living Contract: This Conscious Contract details the understandings and agreements you and your partner have made to this point. Not many people take the time to go through the “this is what I heard you say” drill and consequently are shocked when their partner’s unspoken understandings are wildly different than their own. So, iron out the details ahead of time, such as where you’re going to live, what if someone gets a job offer elsewhere, who’s responsible for what, who buys groceries, who cooks or cleans, how much TV you’re going to watch, how friends fit into the equation, who pays for what and how, etc. Nothing is too specific or too silly. And if you feel highly emotional about something, stop and figure out why. It probably isn’t really about who washes the dishes.

• Legal Contracts: If you don’t choose to have the state regulate your relationship under current marriage laws, you can still cover some important legal bases in other ways. Set up powers of attorney, wills and other legal documents to ensure you each have the appropriate rights to handle the affairs of the other as desired.

• Annual Contract Review and Renewal: Dinner and gifts are fine, but the most import part of your anniversary date is contract negotiations. Again, it’s not romantic, but it’s extremely important. Talk about what’s working and what isn’t, what needs updated and what needs scrapped all together and then handle it. Think of it as a board of directors meeting for your relationship and your focus is on the bottom line called happiness.

When we’re married and unhappy, we’ll sometimes stay in purgatory or worse rather than face the emotional and financial bloodbath of getting out. If you take care of the materialistic technicalities ahead of time—and keep them in order—there’s no wondering about what would happen if you split up—you already know and you’ve already both agreed you could live with it.

When you use Conscious Contracts to reduce fears and power struggles, you gain the freedom of knowing you are in the relationship only because you want to be—and so is your partner. Then the only thing either of you have to gain or lose from the relationship is joy.

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Paula Renaye is a life transformation speaker, coach, regression hypnosis practitioner and multi-award-winning author of The Hardline Self Help Handbook. Paula holds a degree in Financial Planning and is a member of the International Association of Coaches. Forever Is Only Until—The “I Don’t” Model for Relationship Bliss will be released early 2012. http://hardlineselfhelp.com