The Sticky Side of Sexting

By guest blogger Julie Orlov, MAOL, MSW, LCSW

It was a pleasure to be a guest on Tuesday’s “Wellness for the REAL World” with Dr. Veronica and Russell Cook.  There were a lot of interesting comments and perspectives on Social Media and Sex. While my comments on the topic primarily pertained to my blog post “Creating Intimacy in a Digital World” which covers social media – the good, the bad, and the ugly, I wanted to use this opportunity to highlight my thoughts on sexting within the context of human sexuality and relationships.

I am a firm believer in keeping your sex life fresh and exciting, especially if you are in a long-term relationship or marriage.  Sexting offers a fun way to flirt with your mate and adds some spice and variety to your repertoire of foreplay and sexplay.  I am in favor of whatever two consenting adults feel comfortable with when it comes to their private sex life.

Here is where it gets sticky (no pun intended). Some people use sexting in the same way that others use playboy or pornographic material.  It becomes a vehicle to heightened sexual stimulation and satisfaction.  While on the one hand, this may seem innocent enough.  And under certain circumstances, it is.  Just as masturbating to nude photos can be one part of a person’s sexuality, so could masturbating or getting aroused to sexy digital exchanges.  However, there are many things to consider before engaging in this activity.  As with most things in life, just because it feels good doesn’t mean you can act irresponsibly.  So before you indulge in your next text or tweet, ask yourself the following questions.

1. If I’m in a monogamous and committed relationship, does my partner know that I am sexting with anyone other than him or her?  How would he or she feel about this?
2. Do I need to hide this behavior?  Do I feel ashamed or guilty as a result in engaging in sexting?
3. Am I absolutely sure that this behavior is welcomed from the recipient(s)?  How do I know this?
4. Am I absolutely sure that I am sexting with who I think I am?  Could this person be underage?  How can I be sure that this person is a consensual adult?
5. Is this behavior impairing my ability to seek, create, and develop an intimate, real relationship with another person?
6. Do I spend too much time thinking about when I will be able to engage in this behavior?  Does sexting interfere with any other area of my life? What would happen if anyone found out?
7. Do I find that sexting has become my preferred method for sexual satisfaction?

I really want to take the issue of morality and labeling out of the discussion.  I think we could argue forever about what defines morality and what defines pathology.  I think it is more productive to approach the discussion from the perspective of integrity and responsibility—with yourself and others.

After answering the questions above, it should be clear if you are in or out of integrity.  It should be clear if you are conducting your sexuality with responsibility.  All that is required is self-awareness and honesty.  If all is good, I say enjoy!

JULIE ORLOV, MAOL, MSW, LCSW has devoted 24 years to helping people transform their lives through her work as a psychotherapist, executive coach, trainer, speaker, and consultant. She is the author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery and remains passionate about helping people create relationships in their lives that work.  For more information, please visit www.JulieOrlov.com.