Turned On Woman
By guest blogger Nicole Daedone
A teacher of mine once said, when I was willing to tell my story without being a victim then I would be telling the story of a turned on woman.
And that it will be through our stories that we find each other.
A crazy Russian mystic teacher I had. One day she simply turned to me and said, “Nicole, you are like a lion that acts like a bunny rabbit. No one is fooled and no one is entertained.”
In elementary school my mother’s boyfriend asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. “Oh, a free spirit.” He laughed at me and said, “Oh honey you can’t do that!”
As a budding young enthusiastic feminist, I can remember the disappointment I felt toward my women’s collective, wanting passionately to talk about the obvious – the power behind the empowerment, and the fact that we’d become decadent, impotent, invested in the struggle-against-disempowerment and the safety of thinking, I am the wrong kind of woman.
Last month, my publisher said that my book on female orgasm was like the bible in reverse – “you’re messing with peoples heads.”
Seven years ago I received a stroke amidst a million strokes, amidst years of strokes, where something in me woke up, pushed itself forward and whispered, “I am free. I am a free woman.”
And in that moment, I knew that everything I had been taught about being a woman was a little askew. That there is a powerful, lit up electrical currency that runs through us, even if it appears only as a glimmer that it could possibly exist, and that it will not be by power plays, by equal rights, by bon bon indulgence, by being good, by PhD’s or LLC’s, by having the right pair of shoes or the perfect body, it will not be by elevated spiritual pursuits where you can rise above everything that makes you a woman, it will not be by fighting that we get what we desire – which as far as I can tell is to be who we are – it will be by the admission that we’ve got the power, now all we need to do is flip the switch. And then to invite other women to do the same.
I have been a magna cum laude academic, a gallery owner, a stripper, an underworld traveler, and the daughter of a man who died in prison for child molestation. I have been a postmodern feminist lesbian and a meditation practitioner, a yogini and a mystery-school student.
I have been called a sex diva, a polarizing personality, a cult leader, difficult, “too much”, intractable, too female-centric, too crazy, an idealist, a dreamer.
In the end the story drops away and the same current runs through me that runs through you the one that makes me a free spirit, a free woman, a turned on woman. (Meaning simply: I know who I am and I am that.)
Turned on women are the change agents in our world today.
We are the power in the power grid.
I’m going to be un-PC here, but if you are a turned on woman, you are a special woman, and have likely paid for it – that very thing that has made you too much to handle, a little different, that makes you feel like your wants are too big –that thing that has been used against you, the seed of all of the things that have been used against you, your huge appetite, is your power. It is not there to be fought or beaten down, it is there to be well fed!
It’s because you were born with a higher IQ than most people, you are the two per cent, the bellringer of the bell curve – you can sense more, feel more, taste more than most people on the planet and this will either consume or empower you.
It is not in spite of but because of your challenges that you will light up. Because there was something that you knew and understood, likely at a very early age, and this is that healing, living, joy-don’t-come-from-the-rules-we’ve-been-handed-down source. You likely discovered it quite by accident: reading your mother’s romance novels hidden in the bottom drawer; or with shower stream hitting you “there”… or perhaps it was on a bicycle ride; or (if you were brave) with the boy across the street… perhaps it was an older man touching you; or walking in on your parents one night… but somehow, somewhere you felt the jolt of electricity, an involuntary bodily response, and after that nothing else would do. The lights inside went on and you were no longer like others who were groping around in the dark for right and wrong, good and bad – you knew deep in your bones, even if you were unable to act on it until today.
Of course you’ve since learned to adapt to “pass.” In fact you can pass better than most turned off women because you are a shapeshifter. You know what people want and you know how to give them exactly that… and you can because for whatever reason – be it trauma, imprinting, or a deeply positive evincing – you were cracked open at an early age and you found it difficult to re-contain it. When you did, you suffered repercussions that other girls didn’t – you had to eat or drink or shop or overachieve in order to numb yourself down enough to be able to operate like other people. The only problem was that you lost your sense of self and with this you lost your magic.
And the first thing that I want to say to all of you secret agents out there – the women who have done everything in their power to be good women, to be good mothers and wives, who give to the point of tears, who give with the hope that someday someone will see and recognize that you were meant to reign – I see you. Secondly and equally – thank you. Thank you for living in a world that was too tight, where you always had to suck your stomach in. You can come out now.
And to the women who have been called bad, whores and sluts, bitches and witches. I thank you as well for expanding the margins for us to live inside of. I know how it hurt, how you had to cover your tenderness with bravery, how you had to act tough or play act other people’s fantasies just to get by. You are seen and appreciated here.
And for those women who just froze, whose only choice was to lock it down and judge others. Who took everything that wanted to flow outward and sucked it down in deep until you were convinced there was not a trace left. You created your own nuclear containment building with a prayer that you never leak out, believing your own orgasm to be that dangerous. You especially, I invite out.
And those who escaped, who got to remain who they are but feel fringe or outcast, not connected to the world of others out there just like you. To you my assurance – there are more.
I had a beautiful woman come to me in tears because she had been repulsed by her husband since he’d seen her in the depths of her orgasm, saying he hoped that it never happen again. I spoke to a woman who didn’t understand why she couldn’t stop crying, nor could she stop giving herself away to this man she knew didn’t even see her, only to discover that he had another woman. And another who said to me, “I can’t imagine ever telling him what I want – I don’t even know myself.” I see smart, savvy, sexy, beautiful women questioning themselves because they can’t get the relationship they want, nor feel a sense of purpose in the world.
However you tried to adjust to the world, the truth is that you could not turn it off.
This force, this is your orgasm, the living breathing intelligence inside of you that operates beneath the layer of conscious thought – that you can walk into a room and know exactly what is happening with everyone there, or the way you can hear beneath what someone is saying even when others are being taken in by their apparent sweetness. And the truth is that the more you free your orgasm, the more this intelligence can operate.
And I am not saying your climax – I am not talking about that few-seconds-long sneeze – I am saying, your orgasm, your birthright, the natural involuntary state of your body. Not everyone wants this for you. Because when you are orgasmic, when you are turned on, you are dangerous, you know for yourself and you can see the chinks in the armor. You can see the places where the rules fall short, where they make us cruel to each other, short sighted, self serving. And people who fear you fear that you would do to them what they would do to you. But we all know that you wouldn’t – you won’t because it doesn’t feel good, and if anything has ever guided you to your detriment or benefit, it has been feeling, feeling too much, feeling dramatic, feeling til it hurt, but always feeling.
And when you feel you want people to feel good. You can feel the pain of others and you want to set them free. You can feel when another is trapped, and (if you yourself are not trapped) you discover a strength like that of the mother lifting the weight of a car off her child. And most of all you can feel the way that life wants to be, wants to move, how it would be without all the ignorance. It is not theory for you, it is in your bones and you cannot rest until it is so.
Nicole Daedone (nicoledaedone.com) is speaker, teacher, and author who has spent her groundbreaking career redefining orgasm from a woman’s point of view. Starting with her fundamental belief that a woman’s sex is her power, she treats supposedly taboo subjects with unparalleled humor, intelligence, and insight. Nicole is the author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm and founder of OneTaste.us.