Step Parenting – Before the “I Do’s”

By guest blogger Michele Sfakianos

You and your significant other have committed to be with each other. You are in love, you are happy, and you are looking forward to a brand new life. Do not automatically assume everyone shares your happiness. Chances are, at least your step children do not. But why wouldn’t they? What may lie ahead can have the potential to be both a rewarding and a challenging experience. Know it can take a long time for a blended family to begin to feel comfortable and function as a family, so do not be disappointed if things do not come together immediately. Start planning now before the “I do’s.”

First Things First

You have survived a painful separation, divorce or death of a loved one, and have managed to find a new loving relationship. Your first instinct can often be to rush into remarriage and a blended family without first laying solid ground. Such as:

• Make it clear you will not be put in a position to have to choose sides. Remind your partner and your children you want both sets of people in your life.
• Too many changes at one time can upset your children. Newly blended families will have the highest success rate if the couple waits at least two years or more after a divorce before marriage.
• Make sure to experience the daily routine together before moving in. Spending time together at home and out in public will help build a bond. Although your first instinct is to take them to a theme park or other expensive type of outing, do not just do fun things because it is not a true test of reality. You cannot buy reality.
• Have the discussion on how you intend to parent together. Make the necessary adjustments to your parenting styles before you remarry. It will make for a smoother transition and your kids will not become angry at your new spouse for making changes.
• Insist on respect. You cannot insist people like each other but you can insist everyone treat one another with respect. This is one of the most important items.

If you give the right support, all children involved should gradually adjust to the reality of an upcoming marriage and being part of a new blended family.

Each Child is Different

Children of various ages and genders will adjust differently to a blended family. The physical and emotional needs of a two year old girl are incomparable than those of a thirteen year old boy, but do not mistake differences in development and age for differences in fundamental needs. You will need to adjust your approach with the various age levels and genders, but your goal of establishing a trusting relationship is the same.

Young children under 10

• Are more accepting of a new adult
• Will feel competitive for their parent’s attention
• Have more daily basic needs to be met

Adolescents aged 10-14

• May not be able to demonstrate their feelings openly but may be more in need of love, support, discipline, and attention than those under 10.
• May have the most difficult time adjusting to a new step parent.
• Will need more time to bond before accepting a new person in charge.

Teenagers 15 and older

• Teenagers may have less involvement in step family life.
• The most rebellious of all children.
• Teens need to know they are loved, supported, and secure (from a distance).

No matter the age, the gender tendency appears to be:

• Both boys and girls in step families tend to prefer verbal affection, such as praises or compliments, rather than physical closeness, like hugs and kisses. Allow them to tell you their feelings and preferences.
• Girls tend to be uncomfortable with physical displays of affection from their stepfather.
• Girls tend to be more protective of their biological fathers and boys of their mothers.
• Boys seem to accept a stepfather more quickly than girls.

A family cannot be said to be truly blended until all members – both parents and children – fully accept one another as part of a family unit. Remember, be patient as this can take up to two years or more.

Michele Sfakianos is a Registered Nurse, Life Skills Expert, Speaker, and Award-winning Author of The 4-1-1 on Life Skills and The 4-1-1 on Step Parenting. Michele has been previously published in Nursing Publications and two books on Poetry. She enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with her grandson.

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