sugarbabe: how to be a kept woman
With Guest Holly Hill
The familiar female fantasy of being taken care of by a wealthy man became a reality for psychologist Holly Hill, whose unexpected exploits moved her to write her book Sugarbabe: The Controversial Real Story of a Woman in Search of a Sugar Daddy. She reveals how, why, and what she’s learned to Dr. Veronica in this week’s Wellness for the Real World.
Admit it or not, females from high-powered executives to librarians to cleaning ladies share one fantasy: to be a mistress. Although Dr. Veronica doesn’t promote women being paid to have sex because she realizes women get taken advantage of, she notes, “When we can call the shots, maybe we can live the life that we want to live and that includes in relationships and in sex.”
Hill, who uses a pseudonym, didn’t seem to be in a position to call any shots. She opted to give up her career as a counselor to pedophiles and the depressed when her well-dressed, wealthy dream man, albeit married, came along and put her on “The Mistress Plan,” paying her rent, treating her to expensive dinners and lavishing gifts upon her. She fell in love. Or so she thought at the time. Six months later, he told his wife of the affair only to have his spouse respond, “If you don’t leave this woman, I’m going to kill myself and your two children.” Hill walked away from the relationship and grieved as one would the death of a loved one.
“Overnight I had no income,” Hill said. “I had a mortgage to pay and electricity bills and not a single cent coming in. It was a dreadful position to find myself (in) spiritually, emotionally, professionally, financially. Everything was devastated with a single phone call.”
On the brink of bankruptcy, Hill, who comes from a hard-working family and grew up in Sydney, felt more desperation than shame when she opted to become a sugarbabe.
“I was horrified,” she says. “My mother was a feminist… I was crossing all of my boundaries. I was the girl who (believed) you had to have less than three lovers … before you get married. This was the bravest thing I had ever done and I was terrified.”
But being in a position to choose a sugar daddy also put her in an unusually powerful position. Her online ad touting her good looks, gourmet cooking skills, ability to converse intellectually, excellent listening ability due to her psychologist background, love for sex and massage expertise, offered 24/7 in exchange for a “generous weekly allowance,” drew 11,000 hits over the course of four days and hundreds of emails from solicitors.
“I was stunned and a little turned on,” Hill said. “It shattered every single myth I had as both a woman and a feminist. The really weird thing was I felt empowered. I had an inbox full of applications from men who wanted to spend time with me. Even as a girl trying to enter the dating world, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t get to ask the important questions. But I had hundreds of men, all of whom wanted to be with me and pay for the privilege of being with me.”
She confesses she was “the laughing stock of the (sex) industry” for offering herself for a mere one thousand dollars a week. Still, she noticed a change once she came with a price.
“If you get something for free and you get something that you paid a lot for, you will treat the thing that you paid a lot for much better than you would the thing you got for free,” she says.
Narrowing the list to 80, she began interviewing. “I was naïve enough to think I could get single men, hopefully, or men who were perhaps widowers,” she admits. She cut the list in half and arranged coffee dates. There were three types of sugar daddies: (1) young and wealthy with no time to woo women or go to bars and restaurants to find a girlfriend, (2) middle-aged men married to superhero wives who work, raise kids, are exhausted and don’t want to have sex with their husbands (this was a large group), and (3) older men who had arrangements with their spouses who tended to look the other way.
“I ended up favoring the third group because I was a little bit worried I might fall in love with the young single men,” Hill said. “My heart was broken and I wanted to keep my heart safe.”
Choosing a man who had not had sex with his wife for eight years, she offers this:
“The urge to have sex in men is generated from exactly the same part of the brain and the same chemicals as the urge to eat another piece of chocolate cake or when we’re a little overweight the urge to have a Mars bar. A woman that tells or expects her husband to ‘cross his legs and to think of England’ as we say in Australia is torturing her husband. If a woman wasn’t getting enough food, you would give her food. If a man isn’t getting enough sex you give him sex. That’s what you do for the people you love.”
Not in the mood? Consider it your daily workout. “Why in the world would you go the gym and ride an exercise bicycle for 40 minutes then when you get home and your husband says ‘Can we have sex?’ you cross your legs?” Hill asks. “I do Pilates and Pilates is about clenching your pelvic floor and breathing out for every exertion. It comes across as sex quite well. You make it your daily workout so you can keep your husband as happy as a pig in mud, develop a nice, strong pelvic floor and get washboard stomach muscles at the same time.”
Hill didn’t stay with just one man. She had five, at separate times, during her educational stint as a sugarbabe.
“That’s why I’ve written the book that I have,” Hill says, “so that other women understand that men under the influence of testosterone can be very unscrupulous and women need to be strong and to harness that sexual drive that men have to work for us rather than against us.”